Jamaal

Hmm. Hello! It has been a little while since I last wrote. A few new things...I believe I stated before that I have moved. I am excited about the new place. It is different because this time around, I have a roomate. I like her - she is pretty quiet and seems to be on pooint when it comes to paying the bills on time. That is definitely really really important. The only issue is that when I want some alone time with a guy, its not really alone time lol. I cant time when she will not be in the apartment....so I dont know how that will work. It may be to my advantage.

Anyway, lets jump right into the guy situation lol - I met a guy named Jamaal this past weekend. He is a friend of a friend of a friend lol. Met him at Applebees. He is 24, 6 ft tall, and really slim. I would go as far to say that he is as slim as me. As for personality, we get along really well - a lot of laughs. He spent the night a few nights ago, and I spent the night ova his place last night. We had a good time. We watched Norbit. It was pretty funny. I like how he keeps his place - really neat...and he has furniture...and a car, and a good normal job. Any issues?? Well, he doesnt go to service regularly, but that can be fixed...he also smokes occassionally - that needs to stop. Aside from that, I just have to wait and see. He is a cutie with very sincere eyes. He reminds me of 2 celebs - 50 cent and Kevin Hart. He looks like both of them. Anyway, we are kinda like a mini-couple right now. I am definitely content with that. Looking forward to getting to know him more.

As for Arnie...I feel myself hating him and I KNOW that I shouldnt go down that route. His girlfriend is a good chick. I finally had a chance to see what she is about...I can definitely say she reminds me of myself in some ways. Can I compete with that? No. I cant. I can admit that. Not that I cant compete really, more like, I dont want to compete. She is a good chick. There is no reason for me to want to not want him to be with her. I cant say anything bad about her to be honest. It sucks to be honest. I wish I had something to say "you should be with me because..." but i dont. The only thing I have to offer is that I am ME. The only potential issue is that she is away frequently - overseas. She is definitely doing well for herself so far and he is not yet at that level. She is the breadwinner. She can afford to just go out of the country and chill. I dont think she minds spending on him...but I wouldnt want my significant other spending all kinds of money on me all the time. She is definitely in love with him - I believe. You see it in her face. Is he in love with her? I dont know. I think he has been through a lot when it comes to relationships and he may be slow to come to that point. He will eventually though. I hope she is patient.

What I need to do is be kind. I still have some feelings for him. I try to think of the negative aspects so that I can get rid of those old feelings. It is working, but at the same time I am developing this strong hate/dislike for him as well...I dont want that. Its a struggle. I want my own love so that my thoughts and emotions are elsewhere. Every now and then, they go back to him. I am getting over it though - I would say I am 60% over him. He wont be working this Christmas break, and I am thrilled! I really dont want to see him or have to interact with him. I really dont know how to act. He wanted a break from the friendship - seems like a permanent one. I dont want to do that. I want to keep the people around me that will add to my life. I dont want to do like he did and cut me out. I thought I was good - i was growing. He helped me grow. I need someone like that in my life. Someone that will work together with me. WITH me. With Jamaal, I can see me being a benefit to him, but I dont see him being what I need. I really need someone who is working on their spirituality. I really do. I thought that was Arnie.

Well, I pray that God will send someone my way that has what I need right now - someone that can work together with me in gaining spiritual enlightenment. Someone like Arnie - but someone specifically designed for me. He's out there. I dont think I know him yet, but I pray that he comes soon ...at least as a friend first.