Arnie's response

Sorry for the late response, like you I took my time in responding letting the situation marinate in me for a minute to get a true reading of how I felt and what I wanted to say. I am going to do my best to respond in sequential order. I don't think any work related issues were part of you "acting out." As far as communication with others, if you can remember I didn't automatically change when I got a girlfriend. I sensed something was different in our friendship when you would respond to me in one word answers and ultimately ending in the chicken incident. Well before that, the night I introduced you to Crystal in our parking lot, you acted real funny. I didn't mention anything to her because I was more confused than anything but after later conversations I found out she felt the same way. So from there I felt like there was a tension, not sure if it was because of Crystal or what. So from the beginning I didnt change, it was off of a suspicion. Should I have come to you earlier...probably, but I wasn't sure what was going on in the beginning. As far as "big cutbacks" I only make cutbacks when I feel like it could hinder my relationship. I initially introduced you to Crystal and I didn't like the response I received. Remember, this is before the chicken and before the conversation. When she conveyed the same concern to me is I decided to fall back. I have female friends and she knows it. She 100% trusts me and vice versa. Our relationship is flourishing so health is not a question in our relationship. The key is if my female friend acts funny around her is when the question arises. Even Jabari asked me what was the deal that night because he was there also. I didn't have an answer.As for being a true friend I'm not perfect, but being in this relationship has strengthen my view of a true friend. My friendship has not only changed with her but to all of my other friends. It is definitely a good situation for me. Therefore if I consider you a friend...a true friend, I hold that dear to me also because I see my friendship circle shrinking. When stepping into another realm mentally and spiritually, things in your life change, including friends. Ive have to seperate myself from certain things which detatched me from certain friends. I don't question my ability to be a friend...a true friend.Lastly, I believe you are a person who is searching for the truth in life and I think that is good. I believe we can still be friends as long as the lines of communication are clear. I don't really know what that was the night I introduced you to Crystal. As far as I know you could have had a bad day, but I do know how it appeared and it wasn't a good look. It set a flag off in my mind and also in hers. At this point, how she sees things is important, especially with my friends of the opposite sex. Again, she trusts me and vice versa. We both have friends of the opposite sex but we know our boundaries. But as far as friends, I can never have enough true friends, they just don't come that often. Rae.P.S. I hope I did not offend you, I am just being speaking real.

Closure

Since I wrote Arnie back, I have felt so much better about the whole situation. Its like a weight lifted from my shoulder. I think it because I have the upper hand. He should write back about not being able to committ to a friendship. Once he says that, then I could go ahead and tell him that i KNEW he was going to say that and that I agree with him. "We cant be friends...maybe in the future"...just like he told me. Its been a while and he has not responded. I am going to assume that he is thinking. If thats the case, I am happy. Why? because that is what I wanted. I wanted to really think about what it was like before...how I was and how he was (or rather- wasnt). He was not a friend to me anyway, so I DONT LOSE! lol Awesome! In the beginning he was cool - for a strong month - then he began the turn towards miscommunication and deceit.
Anyway, enough time wasted...next...
Tristan - forget that. I am not into the hunt right now. I need to focus on me. I still think he is all that and I would still like to get a date, but Im not trying hard at all right now.
Khalil - me and him seem to be over. We dont text or talk on the phone anymore. I dont think he trusts me. Its all for the better anyway. I didnt see us doing the long hall anyway.
Kevin - yea, i slipped with him, but I need to get back on the right path. He's not mine. He has already committed to loving someone else.
Tirel - NEW! I know him from a couple years back when I went to Gainesville for the first time, but he has had a long time girlfriend for some years now. He has recently started hitting me up. He asked a friend of mine for my # and looked me up on facebook. The way he's talking you would think he had no girl... another Kevin!
First Arnie has a girl already, then Kevin has a girl already, now Tirel has a girl! Why do I keep getting the guys who have already committed to other females?! No one wants to committ to me? Leave her for me then! I know that wont happen!
I guess that is my plight right now...another route to rejection. Im cutting Arnie off...need to do the same with Kevin...and keep T at a distance. Keep me in your prayers!

I dont want ur friendship

I sent this email back to Arnie that basically states that he needs to really think about what a frienship entails...this is what it states:
i know the actual definition...I was looking more for specific examples...My purpose in asking was just to make sure you did not believe any work issues came as a result of me 'acting out'...I am very confused. Part of a friendship is communication. If you don't "communicate often with any female in respect for Crystal"...would we really have a friendship? Example - Ash - Ash has a girlfriend, yet we still hang out and talk on the phone. I consider Ash a good friend. I have his back, he has mine. Although Im attracted to Ash, I don't jump his bones, or step over those bounderies. I respect his relationship and he respects mine. We communicate often, we have a friendship.I can understand not having close female friends...but I think in true relationships, both parties should be able to maintain friendships with the opposite sex without making drastic changes in communication. In healthy relationships, there is no need for big 'cut backs'. I am in no way implying anything about your relationship, just giving facts by way of experience.As stated before, I take friendships pretty seriously. Friends are people that you can truly rely on, people who will be honest with you regardless...people that have your best interest at heart. They push you to be your best and you learn/grow as a result of being their friend.With that said...I KNOW I am that kind of friend and more-and at one point, I was that kind of friend to you....but do u really think you could be that kind of friend to me? have you ever been that kind of a friend to me? do you really honestly care to be a friend to me at all? what do you stand to gain/lose?I don't mean to bog you down with all these questions, but I don't (and I'm sure you don't) want to revisit this again. I don't want you to make a decision and then months down the line have to apologize for not being a friend. Think about my definition of friendship (w/communication), think about your own definition of friendship, think about our friendship before Crystal, think about what YOU want/need, think about your friendships, think about Crystal...then respond with what your truth is...


Well, that was sent a few days ago and he has yet to respond. He is thinking. That is good. I want him to think. But I have thought about it myself and this is what I have come up with: I do not want to be his friend. He has not been a friend to me as of late....nor was he a very good friend to me. I have suffered more hurts then joys and with his new found relationship, no time could be devoted to restoring that. In other words, we cant have a friendship now...perhaps later in life if things ever work out that way. I think if we had a great friendship before...if it was better established...had a stronger foundation...we would be able to make up and move on. The foundation was brand new, then became unsteady with his lack of communication. Although he has apologized for not being upfront or being clear back then and now...the foundation would have to be rebuilt. Start fresh. Obviously he has no time for that...and neither do I. With that I have closure. I wish him and Crystal much prayer and luck - them seem like a great loving couple...I hope it can stand the test of time and they are both happy. Make sure its grounded in biblical principals. Hopefully from 'us' he has learned that although he tries to NOT hurt people...he still does. Communication and honesty is key. I dont feel he was honest and or communicated with me well.

I have really thrown myself into the modeling. I had a casting call on Tuesday for a dating show..then a casting call for Spring Fling today..tomorrow I have another Fashion show thing in Duluth... that, plus work, plus flag football, greek stuff, friends, plus men - really keeping me busy!!! I have had so little time for myself. I should be greatful! I am, but Im just going to continue to keep my head up dispite rejections and keep God constant...thats the only way Im going to make it through! Keep praying for me :)

Arnie and I...friends??

So my lil buddy from the N.O. comes into town...I was suppose to chill with him Saturday night, but he was around Arnie, so I decided not to go. Of course, the next day when we did hang out, he asked what happened b/w me and Arnie and I told him some of the story...the chicken incident, and the fact that he told me we couldnt be friends. He went back and asked me why we had beef and I guess Arnie didnt like that. He then wrote me an email:
Written by Arnie:
Question...so when have I ever told you that we could not be friends because I have a girlfriend? How have I ever implied that we could not be friends because I have a girlfriend? I have never told you nor insinuatied that we could not be friends. That is in your own mind. My bro asked me why am I beefing with you and i told him YOU were beefing with me because I have no problem with you. When I squashed it...I squashed it. Obviously you still have some type of problem and really thats on you. Whenever you decide to deal with it, please let me know because you're letting too much affect your economy. There's too much going on in life and im too old to have silly beef. So for the record, I AM NOT BEEFING WITH YOU. If a professional relationship is all you want...cool. Just make me aware, I am fine with either decision.

Written in response:
1. Friendship - The last time we spoke (after the chickn incident)- you said that we could not be friends b/c u needed to focus on your relationship w/crystal...and that if we stayed friends, u felt that we may end up back where we were - which would undermind ur new relationship. U also stated that perhaps in the future we couold go back to being friends. Right before I got up to let you out, I stated that I did not agree with you...but there was nothing I could do since u had already made up ur mind.Whether u remember that or not, u did say that to me, because thats the ONE comment that stung me the most. It was not 'in my mind'. It took me a couple MONTHS to understand why you would throw away a friendship. Although I finally understand, I still disagree.2.Beef - I dont have beef with you. I am just reacting to your decision and trying to respect your decision by trying to stay away from you. As I stated earlier, I dont agree with your decision, so its hard to be around you, or look at you, or talk to you. Not because I dont like you, but because Im still tryin to deal with it. I dont think you are neccessarily beefing with me, but I do think you treat me 'differently' - and I assume its because we arent friends.I really dont know what else to tell you - I'm not mad...I'm just still sad.Does it bother me?...still....months later - it defintiley does. Im still struggling with it...still trying to get over everything DESPITE having been in several relationships and having gained many friendships. I've told you before that I value 'true' friendships. I thought I had that with you, so when it got taken away...I cannot begin to make u understand how that felt.As stated though, for the record, you did tell me we couldnt be friends.Anything that I have done or currently do is a function of me trying to respect your decision.

Written by Arnie:
For my unclarity, i apologize. I see it has caused you months of hurt. I never meant that we could not still be friends. Well let me re-etch what I meant by that conversation that night. Because I have a girlfriend, we could not be close friends for the respect of my relationship. I am not the type of person to cut a friendship completely off unless its unhealthy. I don't have enemies. I am well liked, that is just my nature. So for me to defriend you is not what I meant. If you needed time to reposition priorities or mindsets is kinda what I was shooting for. Again, I have no problem with you and didn't understand why you were "acting out" but now I sort of have a clue. I definitely believe we can have a friendship and really don't see why not. Of course, I don't really communicate often with any female in respect for Crystal, but that goes without saying.


So, I have not written back - I dont really know what to say. He is basically apologizing and saying we can be friends. I dont understand the 'acting out' part, so I asked for clarification. Aside from that, he asked 'You have no response?' .. I told him that I'm letting it sit in my head for a minute. Writing/typing is permanent so i want to write wisely. I told him I will repond.

Last night I had a dream...we were on some sort of bed really close again...face to face...Im sure we were kissing. Really romantic scene. Cuddled up, cozy in each others arms, talking low, kissing. We heard someone coming towards the door...we both new it was his girl, but we waited til the last minute to get up. I ran to the kitched like area trying to hide and couldnt find a closet, so I ended up just acting as normal as possible. I walked back to the area where we were, I went back and started packing my things in a bag. I had i guess his button down shirt on. I think it was a light lime green. He was in the kitchen acting like he was cooking something. I said hey to her when she walked in...she was shorter then me, light skinned...but her hair was shorter then what I thought it should be. She also looked thinner.

I dont really know what to write back...I feel like...it is what it is. I dont see how we can be friends. He already said that he cant communicate much with females out of respect for his girl...so whats the point of being friends. Lets say they end up getting married...I dont know. I dont see the point in being friends. I understand we cant be close. Thats a given. I'll pray on it. Thats what I will do.

Tristan

Wow...it has been a while since I have written. Anyway, a few new changes - mostly in men (as usual). Aunri is in town, so I got to chill with him here at my crib. I cooked and we watched the game. It was a good time. Lets get into it...the young one - name "Khalil" - we are doing ok, but I see that he is not the one for me. His path is different. It's not what I am looking for. I know I need someone with an education...there is a difference in the way they speak and in the way they look at the world - at least, I believe that. We still chill - not as much though. He always seems to have something to do. It upset me at first, but it doesnt matter because in the end, he's not the one. It does not bother me anymore. Now, there is Kevin. He is married. Recently married, and flirting with me big time. I have to say that I am not innocent. I flirt back. In fact, at a club, we did kiss...or rather, I kissed him. At church today Pastor spoke directly about that and we had a talk. I basically told him that I would like to continue to be cool with him and that I would not make any passes at him. I did warn him that in situations where I have been drinking, I would be more open to doing something I was not suppose to do, so he would have (or rather we would...) to stay away from each other in those settings. He definitely is my type and I think we would be dating if it werent for his situation, but we will see where this goes. Apparently he is not really happy that he is married, but thats not my issue. Who else? Um, Tristan. He is my flag football coach. He is 6'1'', i think 190 lbs, graduated from college and is trying to play pro football. I believe he injured himself...so Im not sure where he is with those goals now. Anyway, he is sweet, talkative, and has this rich baritone voice. His mom and brother are out on the field with us all the time so that makes it awkward for me to try to hit on him. I wonder if he knows I have a crush on him. I think its obvious. He use to date one of the girls on my team...she is cute...just a bit annoying. I think I look better then her...and our personalities are very different. She is more prissy...I am more earthy. She is basically a cookie cutter AKA.
I am just going to lay back...throw hints when I can, and continue to do me. Maybe at the end of the season I will ask him to chill with me and my friends...a group thing. He is a family man, a church man - i really like that in him. I can see him being someone that would help me in my journey. I havent had someone like that in a while. I could see us working together - going to church together...all that. My worries? That a pleuthora of women already have their sites on him. He has almost a thousand friends on facebook! Mostly girls! WOW! With him, I am definitely scared of rejection. I am so use to thinking that I am too good for the guys I meet...this time its exactly the opposite. I think he is too good for me. He has a qote on Myspace that says "far from perfect, but more then enough". WOW. MM. He has such a sexy voice and swagger. His style is PERFECT. He can thug it up...go athletic...then GQ it. Did I mention his voice? mm. This man is so ridiculously sexy! He has some NICE lips too. I love his teeth. They arent perfect, but they are perfect. He works out...loves sports....I think he would make an awesome husband and excellent father. Pray for me with that one. I dont know if I can pull it off. I can say, that Tristan...is better than Rae. Yes. He is.
I'll let you know how that goes.
Keep me in...or rather, keep US in your prayers.