Jamaal

Hmm. Hello! It has been a little while since I last wrote. A few new things...I believe I stated before that I have moved. I am excited about the new place. It is different because this time around, I have a roomate. I like her - she is pretty quiet and seems to be on pooint when it comes to paying the bills on time. That is definitely really really important. The only issue is that when I want some alone time with a guy, its not really alone time lol. I cant time when she will not be in the apartment....so I dont know how that will work. It may be to my advantage.

Anyway, lets jump right into the guy situation lol - I met a guy named Jamaal this past weekend. He is a friend of a friend of a friend lol. Met him at Applebees. He is 24, 6 ft tall, and really slim. I would go as far to say that he is as slim as me. As for personality, we get along really well - a lot of laughs. He spent the night a few nights ago, and I spent the night ova his place last night. We had a good time. We watched Norbit. It was pretty funny. I like how he keeps his place - really neat...and he has furniture...and a car, and a good normal job. Any issues?? Well, he doesnt go to service regularly, but that can be fixed...he also smokes occassionally - that needs to stop. Aside from that, I just have to wait and see. He is a cutie with very sincere eyes. He reminds me of 2 celebs - 50 cent and Kevin Hart. He looks like both of them. Anyway, we are kinda like a mini-couple right now. I am definitely content with that. Looking forward to getting to know him more.

As for Arnie...I feel myself hating him and I KNOW that I shouldnt go down that route. His girlfriend is a good chick. I finally had a chance to see what she is about...I can definitely say she reminds me of myself in some ways. Can I compete with that? No. I cant. I can admit that. Not that I cant compete really, more like, I dont want to compete. She is a good chick. There is no reason for me to want to not want him to be with her. I cant say anything bad about her to be honest. It sucks to be honest. I wish I had something to say "you should be with me because..." but i dont. The only thing I have to offer is that I am ME. The only potential issue is that she is away frequently - overseas. She is definitely doing well for herself so far and he is not yet at that level. She is the breadwinner. She can afford to just go out of the country and chill. I dont think she minds spending on him...but I wouldnt want my significant other spending all kinds of money on me all the time. She is definitely in love with him - I believe. You see it in her face. Is he in love with her? I dont know. I think he has been through a lot when it comes to relationships and he may be slow to come to that point. He will eventually though. I hope she is patient.

What I need to do is be kind. I still have some feelings for him. I try to think of the negative aspects so that I can get rid of those old feelings. It is working, but at the same time I am developing this strong hate/dislike for him as well...I dont want that. Its a struggle. I want my own love so that my thoughts and emotions are elsewhere. Every now and then, they go back to him. I am getting over it though - I would say I am 60% over him. He wont be working this Christmas break, and I am thrilled! I really dont want to see him or have to interact with him. I really dont know how to act. He wanted a break from the friendship - seems like a permanent one. I dont want to do that. I want to keep the people around me that will add to my life. I dont want to do like he did and cut me out. I thought I was good - i was growing. He helped me grow. I need someone like that in my life. Someone that will work together with me. WITH me. With Jamaal, I can see me being a benefit to him, but I dont see him being what I need. I really need someone who is working on their spirituality. I really do. I thought that was Arnie.

Well, I pray that God will send someone my way that has what I need right now - someone that can work together with me in gaining spiritual enlightenment. Someone like Arnie - but someone specifically designed for me. He's out there. I dont think I know him yet, but I pray that he comes soon ...at least as a friend first.

Dreaming of You

Wow! Its been a while since I have last written. Some things have changed - but nothing too drastic. I have moved to a new apt. I am happy because I feel like I have more room now :) Its shared space though so I can't do as I please. As for the new look - boy do I feel great! I cant tell you how much of a confidence boster its been. I feel like I am back. I view my body differently. I look great in everything! I went to a friends party...and he came up to me and said that a few of his male friends were asking about me. The same week I went to this club - and boy! did I get a lot of attention!! I felt like it was all eyes on me! I am not self-couscious about my weight anymore....I feel sexy as hell and I walk it! I am back to staring at the mirror, changing into different outfits...and just going out to let people see how gorgeous I am lol. I kno I kno - but thats just how I feel. So I guess Ive had a lot of internal changes...but I am still s-i-n-g-l-e. Yes, I still think about Arnie. He was sick and I called to see how he was doing...he talked about it for a little bit, but that was it - havent seen him in a couple of weeks. I had 2 dreams about him - in a row. The first one, we were talking, and he said he didnt know how long his relationship was going to last. He said it should be done by the 20th or he wouldnt be surprised if they called it quits around the 20th. I dont know - that was a weird convo. He also kissed me - peck...on the lips. It was like he could resist. I remember thinkin "this is why we cant be together alone, or friends" - there is something more there, and it will continue to show itself. The second dream - I think we were at a work function. He was wearing a cream suit with a vest...and he looked SO handsome! He came up to me and told me that he wanted to leave early so he could ball - it was Wednesday. I thought it was strange of him to ask me, cuz he just needed to let his direct supervisor know. I figured he just wanted to talk to me. :) Well, I kept it short and on work and walked away....and shouted, you look nice/good by the way" - but Im not sure if he heard me. I mean, he really looked great. I felt antsy around him.

So what does all this mean?? Who knows! lol Of course, I see his car EVERYWHERE...but then again, it is a popular car - i guess. I had bet that my co-workers relationship would end within 6 months - I was right. I had bet that ARnie's relationship lasts 1 year - we will see. He has a web page - but honestly, since theyve been together, I dont see much activity on there anymore. I dont get to see whats going on.

On a bad note, he is really nasty/sloppy. Thats pretty gross. Im still trying to make him unappealing, hoping that I will let it go and move on. I actually have moved on I would say, but there is no 1 guy in my life right now. The other guy Im feeling just dumped his girl and she still lives with him - hmm.

I had a little fling with this one guy - but he already has a girlfriend. I knew it when we had the little fling, but I guess I just didnt care. Not sure if it will happen again. Hopefully not. I know its not right. I wouldnt want that to happen to me.

Well, thats all for now. Things are looking up in a sense, so hopefully I will have some great news soon - lol - probably not, but it was nice to say it. hehe

Brighter Dayz Ahead

Hey! Its Monday morning, and I am feeling better about life in general. I got a little hair change - and o what confidence has it brought me! I feel like I felt back in Miami. Waking up every morning thinking - I am so beautiful! I walk around know this - loving me. Yea, they say hair shouldnt change you...but I've done me. I am happier this way. Perhaps its because of what I went through. Perhaps. In any case, I am ok with liking this new look. Everything happens for a reason right? Well, I needed this confidence, and thats why it happened as it did. I'll prolly go back to that old cut again, but not right now. As for Arnie, Im cool with it. I still think he and I would make a great pair - maybe in the future. When he's ready for me. Jerrell - well, I told him what it was: I am deleting your number....thought it was all good - but your acting shady - no hard feelins - just being upfront. He never answered. Its over. Hes going to see me one day in the club - looking O SOOO Fly! lol and he'll want me...but itll be too late! Too bad...for him. Im a greeat chick! Well, I am about to go to work and see what everyone in going to say bout this new look. I think they will like it. Of course there will be the jokes - but I dont care. In the end, its about me, and only me. I am excited about the future....for now lol - who knows what will bring me down again- hopefully the next news I have is good news though. My past entries have been so dreary. Well, wish me luck!

Sadness

Why am I always sad? I want to be able to blog about things that make me happy. I dont want to be one of those people who are not happy until they are in a relationship. I wouldnt say thats the case with me cuz Ive been out of one for over 5 years. I talked to a couple of friends about the whole Jerell topic- they say it is definitely too early and that I need to at least give it a week. Lex said at least til Thursday. I understand, but I already feel rejected. I dont think itll happen. I think I didnt look like my pic and therefore I am not his type. I texted him today. I was a simple note: "hey buttmunch! i hope your week is goin well so far..." That was around 630p - no response. Hes been online. Maybe after 9? Deep down, I know I need to give it a week. I guess I'm just preparing myself for heartache early. Thats pathetic!! I hate that I do that!! I think I need to get my braids back - I will feel better once my hair is where it was. I guess what I went through in elementary really has not worn off. I still have issues with hair. Obviously. But I do want someone who will love me/like me either way. If ever I get to talk to Jerell again, I am definitely going to ask what he thought of my appearance....was I just like he thought I would be? I want him to be honest. If he calls, I know he had to think something good otherwise there would be no call.
Its been a while since I been on a date. I dont know how to act. 3 day rule means I should hear from him today or by Thursday. I dont think I'll hear from him at all.
Why can't I just die. Why do I have to go through life again. I hate this. I hate not knowing, I hate rejection, I hate being so damn sinful. Life is hard. Lessons are very hard. I dont want to go through it. I want someone to go through it with me. I keep getting teased!!! God WHY!!?? You send these great men into my life, only to rip them away from me. Arnie - torn from me...now, Jerell, torn from me. Why should I go through life with hope? I am so hope LESS. I hate my life.

Rejected-Jerell

So, he didnt call. I felt like crap - couldnt even sleep. I thought I had this one. The back of my mind is telling me that this is all premature. There is still a chance. Maybe today? He logged on to myspace last nite. If he had time to do that, he definitely had time to throw a text to me. I dont know. I dont know him well enough to know what he is capable of doing. Being a spiritual person, I would have thought that he would at least be honest. If he thought that I was not his type or that we would no longer talk, he should have made it more obvious. He was standoffish during the date. Kept his distance...but I dont see him as an affectionate person when it comes to PDAs. He definitely has the words tho. Let me put myself in his shoes. *thinking*. ..If I was not feeling someone, I would not tell them that their eyes were beautiful...nor would I tell em that they looked sexy....so perhaps, I am premature in my thinkin. Maybe he is interested, but he doesnt know where I stand and he's not tryin to be overbearing. Yea, maybe thats it. I hope so. I'll let you know as soon as I know something. I'll wait through today to see if he talks to me. If not, then on Wednesday, or maybe tonite, I'll send him a text. The last thing I said to him that nite was that Id holla at him - maybe he took that literally. Maybe he's doing that 3 day rule. Wait 3 days after a date to call someone - u dont want to look too desperate. He doesnt see like the type to do that, but who knows. I want to get to know him..I know that much.
You know, he didnt try anything. He didnt try to touch me, kiss me - nothing. Just half a hug. Thats it. Thats good cuz I dont like overbearing guys who only think about sex - he may not be that type....but maybe he is just not interested. I am paranoid about my hair - if he calls, Im going to ask him what he thinks about me growing it back out. Which looks better? Hmm.
Halle is beautiful with long hair and with short hair - so is Jada Pinkett Smith...can I be the same way?? Should it matter? No. I guess, if someone cares about something so materialistic, then I dont need them in my life.
True Story..

Rejection - Jerell

So, Jerell called me beautiful and blutiful. I was sooo exstatic! I thought -FINALLY! I HAVE SOMEONE!! We went out yesterday on our first date to the movies. We saw Tyler Perry's "why did i get married". It was really good. I thought we were both having a good time. He picked the movie, the time and the place - he even paid. We texted back and forth til I got there. I got there late - so he said I was on punishment. lol. Anyway, at the end of the date, he walked me to my car. He said we couldnt keep the date going cuz he had to get up at 6 30am the next morning. I understood. He said he would holla at me later on that nite. I didnt hear from him. Today, Monday, I havent heard from him at all - no text, nothing. I am already thinking that the date really was not all that great. He must not have thought I was attractive enough. He said my eyes were beautiful...and towards the end he said I looked sexy with my stomach out lol. I dont know though. I just thought I would have heard from him. Im giving him tonight to call. If I dont hear anything, then I know it is over. I knew it was too good to be true. He was gorgeous. I wanted to know more. I settled it to myself though- it is his loss, not mine. I am a great person. I am beautiful. He didnt give me enough time to showcase all that I had. I may be overreacting. I need a guys opinion. The only thing I could guess is that I was not pretty enough.
If this is the case, I should have known rejection was close by...doesnt it always happen that way?
I met this guy names Jelan at DOCs last night. He is 24, an omega, currently a student at Morehouse. He was really into me - really... He looks just like Nick Cannon - very attractive, bout my height, slim. I dunno - he's real young. Oh, he is in architecture. I gave him my#.
I met Arnie's girlfriend las nite too - she has really big eyes. He's allright - not pretty, just ok. I guess it was nice of him to introduce me to her, but I didnt really care for that.
Thats pretty much it -
I'll let you know how things with Jerell pan out...

Jerell

Sooo, there is this really Handsome guy named Jerell who is super cute! He is 6ft 3, with a body like 'Praise Him'!! He is spiritual - wohoo! and he has a bachelors degree. He wants to be a pro baller and is working hard at getting there, but for right now, he is working at a sports marketing firm. The problem is that his stay in GA may not be permanent. He is from Philly. I dunno. I'm feeling him, but I don't want to feel him and then he's GONE. Plus, I've already been there and done that with these athletes - is that the path I want to go down again? If that's his dream, I gotta be down for him...but his dream could take him away from me. I guess, we will just see where it goes. hmmm. He has such an infectious smile....

Waiting...

Man, this is harder then I thought. I still have feelings for him. I refuse however, to tarnish or try to come in between what he has with her. I wish him the best, but I still think the best is here with me. I can see a future with us. But, I can see a future with her. I do love him. Not in love - just love. God knows best. He knows what I bring to the table. He knows who is the perfect match for me and my qualities. I know this. As a human, my views are altered by sin and sometimes it is difficult to see the end - or understand the greatness that is to come. I love myself. I feel as though there is so much love in me to give...so much goodness. A man would only be so lucky to be with me. I would be so greatful for him and what he does for me...I can't even explain it. I was so close. I am so close. I have been on a love journey of rejection after rejection...each time, I get closer to him. I thought I was done. Maybe I am. Maybe I just need to wait until he is done. Maybe it really does get better. If it does, I might as well just die and go to heaven because I can't fathom it. God is soo good. I know he will bless me beyond my wildest dreams. I just have to believe, hold faith, and do his will. I will wait...I will be patient...I will stay strong.

Resolution

Well, we talked yesterday and things are back to where they should be. We are on speaking terms. I was able to get everything that needed to be out - out. He seemed to understand me more - respect me more. He learned something. I on the other hand do understand his p.o.v, although I cannot totally agree with it. As far as our friendship is concerned, he said he purposefully backed off because he did not want to hurt me. He said he was afraid. He has hurt someone in the past and he is still dealing with it as of today. The last thing he wants is to put someone in that predicament again. I guess he was afraid of leading me on. He said that when we were together, there was tension. He felt that if we were to try to go back to how things were in the beginning, that we would go down the 'wrong path' again. He said he knew himself and he knows where it would go. He does not want to go there...and subsequently hurt me in the end.
So I guess what I dont understand is how he has a girlfriend, right... but he can't truley be-friend me because something may happen. If that is the case, then should you have a girlfriend right now? Are you being true to yourself and your feelings? I'm not sayin dump her and get with me...what I'm saying is that if you truly are feeling someone - I mean TRULY feeling them - could someone else's friendship really sway you in a different direction? If so, are you being true to yourself?
Men think differently from women. Me - if I am truly feeling someone - there is no one else. No one will sway me. I am thinking soley on that ONE. Everyone else is nothing. Granted, I do believe there will be challenges along the way. I don't know. Perhaps I am thinking too deep. Perhaps, I am trying to create hope. Do I believe his relationship with her will last? To be honest...no. I think there is someone out there who may be a better fit. Maybe...

Wings

Whew! What a day! Someone is really mad at me!! What happened: I was leaving work and was in my car backing out of the parking lot when a co-worker stops me. He walks over to my car and hands me a to-go plate and a bag and asks if Im going home - i said yes. As I take it, I ask 'what is this'. He says, its Ray's. I asked him what I was suppose to do with it. He said, give it to him. At this point, I was upset. Ray is not a friend of mine, therefore I do not do him favors. I told my co-worker it was going to end up on the floor in front of his apt. He laughed it off, but I was serious. As I drove out of the complex, I saw Ray's car...so I put his bag and food on the floor by his car. Now, at the time, I thought he was on his way to his car. I didnt think it would be there longer then 5 minutes. I later realized that he would not get to it until 2 hours later. At that point, I felt bad. I knew he would be upset, but I thought to myself, oh well. Its just wings.

I then get a text from Ray. First of all, his # is NOT in my phone. I had deleted it maybe a month or so ago. So I asked if it as him first. He said 'of course, who else would it be'. I said 'this # is not in my phone, so it could be n e 1'. He said 'wow, u deleted my # from your phone. thats cool. did u really leave my food on the floor by my car'. I said yes. he asked why i would leave his food outside on the floor. I said, i thought u were on your way out. He said that was bullsh and that I was being hateful and that this was a bunch of foolishness and that he doesnt know what going on with me, but that he hopes I figure myself out and that being the type of person he is that he would pray for me and that he forgave me. He said he was not going to stoop to my level.

That pissed me off. I told him that it was a misunderstandin - not me being hateful. He said that was bullsh. That I knew what I was doing. i told him that I deleted his number because he was treating my like straight crap. I said he would have done the same thing if he was kept tryin to be someones friend, only to get the door slammed in your face each time. I deleted the # cuz I was done tryin to force friendship on someone who treated me like 2nd class. He said he didnt understand and that he was caught off guard. He didnt know what I was talking about. I told him he caught me off guard when he implied that I needed Jesus because of some wings. He said it wasnt the food, but the principle behind it. He said I knew what I was doing. I told him that he knows where I live if he wants to get more off his chest. Obviously he is extremely upset. He said 'Im done. Your the one that deleted my number. My food is infested with ants. thanks!'

So whats the deal? I understand that he is upset. He has the right to be. But I think he was brutal. He went spiritual on me to say that i need Jesus??? Wow. That is insulting. How close is he to his Bible, cuz last I saw, he was having sex outside of marriage and missing all kinds of services. When was the last time he looked at the book?? Now only that, but lets talk about the multiple - YES MULTIPLE times he has hurt me: I asked him to go see a movie - he said he was too busy. I asked him when were we going to talk - he said i dunno (never). I asked him to take me to the airport - nope. When my birthday came - did he bother to say happy birthday to me? personally? - no. When his birthday came and I had planned something for him - did he bother to say retrieve it...or even say thanks - no. When I sent him an encourage email that came straight from my heart - did he acknowledge it - no. Did he bother to tell me that he was about to embark on a serious relationship? No - Since I had slept with him less then a month before he made it official...i would have liked to not be a part of the deception and disrespect that he was showing his soon to be girlfriend. Yet and still, I helped him with his resume - stayin 2 hours after work hours to revamp it - did he mention that he got it? NO.
But I am in the wrong ...right? I take friendship seriously. When I first met him, I thought he would have made a great friend - like Sam...and Kareem. Long lasting. But instead, when I ask him why he's been acting funny...he proceeds to tell me 'i told u i just got out of a long relationship'...'i'm not looking for a relationship right now'. I asked this because I noticed we were going from friendly to distant in a matter of days. I didnt ask him because I wanted to be in a relationship with him! Why would you assume that? I dont even know you that well to make that kind of a jump! Not only that, but since he did say that - how are you now in a relationship? I consider that a lie. Less then 3 months from telling me that you were not looking for a relationship - NOW UR IN ONE. Can I trust you? Are you so into yourself that you don't see others? That is what it seems.
Well, I can say I tried. I tried to be a friend. I wasnt looking for a boyfriend in him. I just thought he would make a long lasting friend. I hate the fact that he is so completely unaware of everything around me. He does not care. I did that mean thing, on accident. If he was a friend...it would have never happened that way. I would have taken the food home and got it to him later....cuz thats what friends do. To show you just how much he doesnt care....he didnt care to hear me out. He's done. But he's a little to late for that - cuz I had been done....He's just now feeling the effects...

Changing My Thoughts...Increasing Imagination

So I had difficulty sleeping again. I was just restless. Yup, still thinking about that situation with Arnie. I woke up at 3 am - watched some tv, went to bed, got up at 730a...watched Paula White. She had this guy on her show who wrote a book called "Imagine That" I think. It basically said that the reason we dont get what we ask for is because we dont believe in it enough. We need to believe in it so much so that you are already there. I want love. So I need to act like I am already in love. That way...I draw it to me. My thoughts need to change from being sad and impatient - to KNOWING that I have love. We each have vibes or electricity flowing through our bodies. I need to attract love by feeling it and being in it. I started my new thought process today. I noticed that all my feelings: sadness, frustration, loneliness - all centered around men and the thought of not having found love yet. I need to change my focus - focus on having love since that is what I ultimately want. So today I proclaimed that I was in love. I said it multiple times - and I must say - it felt REALLY GOOD! It was so weird. I actually could feel it. I had butterflies in my stomach and was anxious in a good way. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs how happy I was that I had found it. I felt myself happier at work - better able to maintain my cheerfulness. I had an extra pep in my step. I felt less stressed and happy to go home. Calling parents and sending emails didnt seem as hard - I just went for it. I was in love. There was nothing stopping me. In still maintained my spirituality - tried my best to use appropriate language and I tried to get others on the right path along with me. I even swtiched my ring over to my left hand. It feels weird, but it looks so good. I feel engaged. I feel loved. I am full of a sincere emotion. That thought that someone cares enough to want to be with me for life. My imagination is really wild...so I hope that gives me an edge. Man, feeling in love makes me want to do whateva! No fear! I like this feeling and I thank God for answering my prayer and helping me through this tough time. I am still not fearful of death, but I do look forward to my future a little more. I just hope I continue on this path ...and more important - I hope that my happiness and eagerness to be more Christlike spreads to others and becomes infectious. Of course, I also hope that I really do find love...or that I attract someone! lol

Ps He claims that he is not in love with her.

Closing Chapter

Wow! Well, I found out that Arnie is definitely going to see his girlfriend today and will be with her for a week. That's a long time! The most I've went out of town to see a guy was a couple days. That trip can really make or break em, so I do wish him luck. On the flip side, it is time to close that chapter. After writing such a heartfelt letter to him, he did not respond or even acknowledge that it was sent. I was pretty surprised. His character is really not up to par with my expectations. He has some growing up to do. I really believe that I am a good person. Someone who is about upliftment. He would really benefit from befriending me, but he doesnt want to. I hope he sees that later on in life and perhaps learns from it. Usually when a male does me wrong in that sense, he regrets it later on when he attempts at coming back and Im not there. I dont know if I will be there, but I know that for my health, I need to close that chapter. I also need to close the JT chapter because I know that it is not working.

I am struggling write now - emotionally and spiritually. I feel defeated. I want someone in my life...and God has not delivered that to me yet. Perhaps he has, and it just has not been revealed. I am just tired of going through life alone. I feel like I am well on my way in all aspects except for that one. I am trying my best to be patient, but after some one doesnt work out, I feel like I am back at square one. Im getting to old for this. I just want to go home. I am home sick. By home, I mean Heaven. I dont want to be here anymore - nor do I ever want to come back to this hell on earth. It definitely is HELL ON EARTH!

Well, that is how I am feeling. I keep thinking about how this guy is going off to see his girl. Thats why I cant sleep. A friend just told me not to sweat them cuz they always come back. Plus, I dont want to look worn out by the time the next one rolls around! lol She made me laugh. She is right though. They usually always come back. The question is = how will I react. I'll definitely lay some ground rules...and we will be starting from scratch, cuz his character is flawed.
Im not feeling too well, so I am out. Until nex time...

Sunday Service

I sent the previous post to Arnie yesterday and havent heard anything from him. I wonder if he cares. Well, the spirit led me to deliver that message - I hope he receives it.

Last night I was thinking more about death. I am so ready to leave this earth and be with my Heavenly Father... but each day I live, I know my journey is not over yet. I still have work to do - for others and myself. I have to work on bettering myself so that I can be a true blessing to others. In service today, I was elated to see that some of the things I do are being validated through my pastor. This was the best service I've been to in a while. I really felt connected. I am so motivated.

I spent some time with a good friend of mine that I had grown distant from the last few months. He is doing so well! I am so happy he is in my life. I was recently thinking that there was no one in my life to serve as encouragement in my daily battle. He is definitely one. When we first met, he cursed all the time, was very promiscuous and did not feel church was necessary. I tried encourage him to stop cursing and go to church with me. He finally did one day and he admitted that it was not what he thought it would be. Since then, he has met a woman that he loves, goes to church, does not curse and is practicing celibacy! That is awesome!! I am so glad to have been a part of that journey. I hope he continues - his blessings have already begun to pour out! To see where he was and what he is now... it really is amazing. I get teary eyed every time I think on it. He's beautiful. I definitely need to keep him in my life!

Well, that's pretty much it. I had a successful Sunday! I look forward to putting to practice what I have learned...

Impact

Intro
I struggled a lot on whether I should (speak) write this or not - but I realized that it's not about what I want or what I feel - I had to stop being selfish and realize it's not about me- it's about the end result, the impact...

segment of Chapter 2: My Life Themes: Humanitarian and Rejection
I believe that all of God's children have a theme to their lives. My primary theme is Humanitarian (secondary theme = rejection). A humanitarian can be simply defined as a person who is devoted to the promotion of human welfare and social reform. Throughout high school and college and even now, I have always been the friend who you come to for advice, the one who reminds you of your goals, encourages you - a source of strength in hard times. I always try to go to the root of the problem and tell you 'what's really good', whether you want to hear it or not. No sugar coating. Those who come to me know that in the end, I'm trying to find the solution that will bring you to your better self. When I analyze someones situation, I go about it from a spiritual mind frame (as oppose to emotional or physical)- and I know that's what makes me different.

When it comes to me receiving advice - that's a whole other story. I have rarely been swayed to act on someone else's advice about any given situation I am facing. Why? Because the responses I get usually are based on emotions instead of from a spiritual, uplifting frame of mind. As a result, I rarely make changes to my life based on others opinions or advice (words).

segment of Chapter 26: Arnie
Without really knowing you, I've always thought you were different - your aura is magnetic. It's actually hard to explain. In talking with you, I grew to respect you on a higher level then most. It was in the presentation and more specifically- the thought and sincerity that went behind your words. It is obvious that you are a man of progress. In some ways, I find myself 'looking up' to you. It is rare for me to make changes to my life based on others opinions or advice (words). You have made me want to make changes in my life based on your words...

I say that, to say this:
You never know who is really watching you. You never know who is listening to you - I mean REALLY listening. You never know who's life you're making a serious impact on. Know that you, Arnie, have the ability to make a huge impact on the lives of all those around you. I've been blessed to have people in my life who acknowledge how my words have benefited them in their life journey and I want to pass that blessing on to you. Through you, God has shown me possibilities that I was blind to. I am thankful for the changes that I have been led (and continue) to make as a result of meeting you. You have been an inspirational part of my life journey. I hope you now understand why our 'talks' meant so much to me.
I don't know when the Arnie chapter of my life will end, but when/if it does, know that you've made a long lasting impact...

"Who would have thought.... I mean really, who would have thought?"

A little bit of sadness

Well, today I went snooping around Arnie's net page and saw a note that wished him farewell. I know that he's going away on a trip, but I didnt know where. I believe he is going to visit his girl for a week. Of course that caused a little bit of sadness within me. I started to write about it in my journal, but then I got upset - I had to take a timeout just to cry. I didnt cry as mush as I thought I would though, but I am still sad. He's out for a week. A whole week! Well, he could either come back in two ways: 1. realizing that she is not for him or 2. wishing he could stay a little longer by her side. I know when I visit a loved one, it could either make or break it. I have never gone for a week though! Usually I go for a weekend and I'm good. A week! WOW. That could really make or break it!! Well, all I can do is keep the friendship steady and pray on the situation. If its meant to be, then it will happen regardless. . .if not, then eventually I will meet my prince charming. Sigh. I hope she knows what she has . . .I really really do.

Arnie

My day has gotten a lot better. I went to church and feel re-motivated!
I wanted to write more about this guy Arnie. He is tall, dark and very handsome. He is intelligent and motivated. He is silly, dorky and goofy, but so sexy at the same time. He makes me change. He makes me want to be more like him in certain ways. I don't think someone has ever made me do that. Usually it's me pulling people up . . .for the first time, I find myself really listening . . .really watching. He makes me want to better myself. He is spiritual and takes the Word seriously. We've been to church together. I'm not saying that this guy is the ONE, but I am saying that if God has something better in store for me - well then HOT DIGGITY DAMN! lol. So what is the problem ??
Well, he has a girl. That's the problem. Although it is not official, he likes her a lot and I guess she likes him. They are in a long distance relationship. It makes me sad to think that she is way over yonder and I could be fulfilling all his wants and needs - I'm right here. For now, I have to be satisfied with being a friend. That's what I am going to do. Hopefully, one day (soon), I will have the opportunity of being his ONE. Only God knows right.
So I started thinking about me this evening . . .and about what steps I want to take at being a better me. Two things came up: cursing and sex. I definitely would like to give up both. I'm not currently having sex right now and I definitely do not want to - until . . .marriage. I know! It's crazy, but I think I can do it! I just need . . .the right man to help me along that route. As I thought about this . . .I thought about Arnie. I truly believe that Arnie is the type of man that would try along with me. If we were a couple, I really believe he would be right there with me. That just makes me like him even more.
I thought about telling him how I felt, but I think I would scare him away. Or at least surprise him. It's been a strange road. We have both done things we shouldnt have. . .together. We are now back at step one - friendship. Why ? Because I put an end to it. I realized that his heart was with his other chick . . .but his loins were with me . . .and that is just not fair. He said he definitely understood. I told him that he needs to give his chick 100%. He said I was right.
I was sad. I was mad. I regretted a lot of things. I've learned alot of things too.
I'm glad we are back at 1. I just hope one day it progresses to that happily ever after . . .if not with him . . .then with whomeva God sets me up with. Like I said earlier . . .if it gets better then this . . . .mm mm mm nuff said

Why am I here?

I'm sad today. It has some to do with this guy I like/liked, and some to do with just my situation. This guy - we will call him Arnie - I was really feeling and still am. I am in the process of getting him off my mind and it is difficult. He's making it easier though, so I really should be greatful. I started catching feelings for him over the summer, but I know how I am when it comes to relationships. If I want it to really last, he has got to be a friend first. So . . .that's what I wanted from him. I wanted us to grow as friends so that in the long run - well, who knows. Well, things were going well. He was coming by and visiting me and we were talking on the daily. Then all of a sudden, it stopped. When I tried to invite him out, he declined with a poor excuse. When I tried to talk to him - it was always short. I finally found out why - the girl he thought he was through with came back into his life. I was sad, but I felt like our friendship could continue. Fast forwarding to today, it has been 4 months, and he has not changed. When I approached him about the fact that we dont talk like we use to - again, he is evasive. Yet, he thinks he should be treated like a friend. He's not my friend. I feel like the last few months he has really given me plenty of reasons to leave him alone. Its hard because I see the potential in him. I see a potential with us. I need to let it go. I know.
As for life, I have no kids, no boyfriend - my family is in another state - and I feel alone. I feel like I'm getting older each year with no prospects of having a family of my own. It makes me wonder why I'm here on this earth. I feel like my life has flat lined. Why am I living. If this is life, then I dont want to be here. I'd rather die. As a result, Im not afraid of death. I am welcoming it. In fact, I pray for it. I do the same thing day in and day out. I have no male counterpart that is there for me - can love me, do for me, there for me. Without love, what is there? What am I suppose to do in the meantime? What am I doing wrong? When is it going to be my turn???
Sigh. I hope things get better. I really do. Tomorrow I hope to get some inspiration from church. Perhaps I need to engage more in their activities. Maybe thats where my 'love' home should be.
Until next time . . .