Arnie Shock

I just wanted to write a quick note. I spoke to Arnie for a minute today...and when I heard his voice, I felt something. It was like a chill/shock. It was like "wow! Did you feel that?!" It was like that feeling people say you get when you kiss that one person you're suppose to be with. He was in my dream again last nite. We were laying by each other and he was talking about a relationship with his girl...so I thought. But it ended up really being about us. Our faces are really really close - about to kiss close. Foreheads touching, laying down...real romantic. I am wanting to kiss him soooo bad, but I know that he has a girl, so I dont. As he is talking though, I feel the conversation turn from her to me...and I am wondering what is going on.

My feelings are coming back.

God...is he for me? Am I just to be patient? This is the second time that I have felt something special/different/beyond the norm. The first was when we started talkin more. At that point I felt that he was the one for me. It was the same feeling I felt when I got the Atlanta job....before I got the Atlanta job. I remember telling myself to calm down because it may not be foreal...or it may not be for right then. Man, God...if that is for me....help me to be patient. He is beautiful...and I think I ...I know I love him, but I want the chance to reall fall in love with him. If he is not the one...then I pray for the truth.

Dear Arnie

Wow, it has been some time since we have had a conversation. October. I miss that, but I understand why things cant be where I want them to be. I didnt understand then...but being in certain circumstances and experiencing these different relationships...I definitely understand and respect your decision. I spent so much time being upset...sad. I thought it was not fair. I thought you were being selfish. I see the bigger picture now. Although it still saddens me, I can respect it and continue to follow your wishes.

I am mad at myself for still being emotional about something that happened months ago. It may have meant nothing to you. Maybe I was just another chick...or a fling. But for me, it was more then that. I go through guys so quickly...its weird that 1 person could have such an effect. You were/are definitely one of a kind. "C" is so lucky! You guys seem so happy together. I wish that the best. I will continue to pray for the two of you.

I hate that I still feel for you. Its hard to see you...or speak. I feel like I am being rude. I dont want to be that way...but Im trying to find that area between before and what it should be...and its hard. I want to speak...and be cordial, but I dont want to remember the past and want to go back. I am continuously working on that. One day...as youve said - maybe we will be able to be friends.

Know that I do not mean to be rude or mean. I just dont know how to deal yet-without all the emotion. Im not there yet.

I wish you were mine. Although you belong to another, I am still hopeful. For if God could sent such a person for "C"...I know that mine can only be as great or better.

J

He's Married

What a weekend!! It was awesome! I went to Taboo 2 and had fun there. Ended up meeting a guy...who happens to be a Nupe. He was very attractive, tall, athletic. As we were dancing I noticed a ring on his finger. He asked me for my # and we danced a seductive dance...I thought nothing of it. Maybe it was a promise ring or maybe they are seperated. Come to find out...he goes to my church too -he is an usher. We texted back and forth...he asked y I was single. He said I was cute and sassy...and that I could be trouble lol. Duh! He looks like Arnie. That makes it harder. I know I need to stay away from him. For real.

As for the youngin...he went away this weekend to Savannah...I hear there is some St. Patricks day thing down there. I havent heard from him. He texted and asked if I would be at all his games. I said "if u want me to"...but now I doubt it will happen. Itll draw too many questions.

As for Arnie...I still think about him. His girl is gone again. Probably for 2 weeks or so. He looks happy in his pics with her. I am happy for him...but at the same time believing that I could make him jus as happy...maybe happier. I have love for him. I definitely understand why we need to not be close friends. It would be so much harder for me. I am thankful in retrospect.

As for Tristan...Gosh he is cute!! Im going to try to work that and see where it goes. He is 25, 6 ft 1, degree in marketing, very athletic, sweet, family loving and God fearing!! I would love to get to know him...just gotta inch my way into that. I may have a plan....we will see.

Anyone else? Yes! "W"...I think he likes me...but I dnt want to go there. I like him as a friend. He is attractive, athletic and very smart .., but just not for me.

I feel like I have grown. Or at least...I am growing. The fact that I will stay away from the married man. The fact that I will not go over to "W" place for a movie nite. He told me if I came by he would flirt with me...no no no. Um...the fact that I understand Arnie's decision. Its still hard tho. I cant believe I still have feelings for this guy!! What happened to it being 20% there lol. Its more like hidden for the time being...or at least til I find someone that could make me feel the way I felt with him. It was his personality. I only knew him for a little bit, but he had so many of the qualities that I want in a man. ALL:
tall
black
athletic
smart
educated
ambitious
God fearing
working on spirituality
sexy
style
sweetheart
caring
attentive
affectionate
detail oriented
opinionated
devoted
honest

Let me write him...

Arnie

I just wanted to write and say that I do miss Arnie. Despite everything, I still wish there was something I could do to get him to be mine. I met a guy in the club today. He looked innocent. He was tall, attractive...went to my church even!! He looked like Arnie. I saw Arnie today, and I didnt act differently. It is hard to treat him like any other when I feel like he shoiuld be treated so much better then that. He is like a King and I want to be his queen. The youngin is not him...these new guys that I meet...they are not him. I can only pray. If it is meant to be it will be regardless of everything we have been thorugh. If not, thats ok too...but I do hope that whoever I do end up with is half as awesome as Arnie.

Arnie,

Its hard getting over you. I am working on it. I still think you are special. I still believe you have so much potential. I think that your girlfriend is sooo lucky...and I hope I can be so lucky one day. Good luck. I love you.

Working it out!

Man! I've started working out again and I feel so great! Healthy! In shape! I went to a different gym so I could watch the youngn play ball afterwards. He did well both times I watched. He is one of the main scorers. He is very athletic. He spent the night with me last nite ..again, we had a good time. He seems to be a legit good guy. He said he is not book smart at all. In other words, school may be out of the question. He will have to go about making a living some other way. I like him. He is a god guy and I wont pass that up...we will see where it goes.

I took the day off so I can do a photo shoot today but it was rescheduled for tomorrow. I need to get my eyebrows done today, plus I got practice later on today.

Arnie's girl is back. I guess it was just a 2 week thing. He is happy that she is back. I've seen him a couple times and I know he thinks I look good lol. He looks allright.

I love music - just had to add that.

Other then that, I feel FULL. I have a man that I am excited about...stress at work is not soo bad...I am back to working out regularly....still doing the church thing...and I'm playing sports...still chilling with my sisters. Tonight we are hitting the club, then tomorrow seeing a play mid afternoon. I really feel well rounded. First Ive felt like that in a while! I am LOVING it!!

THank you Lord -its all possible because of you!

AND....I am having some financial difficulty, but I am not even worried about that! I tithe happily, and I know the Lord has me. Im not worried. That is a great feeling! Thank you Jesus!!

Until next time...Im going to keep "working it out!"

Libra

Well, just wanted to share the latest in my journey. As for the young one...I spent some time with him this week and I am still feeling the same. He is different. I like him. Yet, I still want to kepe him at a distance. I love the compliments he gives...but at the same time, he isn't everywhere. He does not call me often at all. I wondered about that, but now...I like it. It gives us a sense of mystery. We still text. In one sense, I can't wait to see what's next with him...but at the same time, Im not eager because I fear that he is not the ONE and that Im wasting my time. I'm just gong to continue to take it slow and see where we go.

As for the modeling... I have a photo shoot set up for this coming Thursday. I plan on taking the day off to make sure I am ver prepared. I have a comp day anyway, so it works out perfectly. I have picked out my outfits...I was worried about the looks because I wanted to go with what everyone else was doing. I checked out Ethnicity's website and saw a LOT of bathing suits and skin. Idont want to go that route...so I have made the decision to go the other way. Im a little worried I may not get the job-but then I realized that I am NOT trying to book videos. I am not a video vixen. I want print...cataloge..commercials...fashion shows. Those are the gigs that really pay. SOOOOOO.. My three outfits are 1.commercial - a VS sun-dress that is teal/blue. 2. High Fashion - the beige tight fitting dress from Zara. and 3. Glamour - VS lingerie. Matching thong and bra lace set. Risque! I have to have a shot in there for body and I notice that I dont look good in bathing suits...but I look fab in lingerie - and I feel more comfortable. The sun dress fits great and looks great on me. I just need some gold hoops and bangles to go along with them. As for the High fashion - thats the one I am the most nervous about. I want it to look as close coutour as possible. I think I may have to set it up a little more. Everytime I wear it though, people say I look lik a model. With the right makeup and background, I could look AWESOME! We will see.

Last but -hm-i dont want to be cliche and least, but its not headliner stuff either - I saw Arnie yesterday. I didnt speak, however I was not rude. I waved goodbye to him at one point. I know he misses his mrs. The young one knows about him...he seems a lil nervous about it. He mentions him a lot in our conversations...as if I still have something for him...or Im going to stop talking to him to go be with Arnie. Arnie has a girlfriend. Arnie and I are not even friends. I dont want to be with Arnie. I like the youngn lol. Im really feeling him. The youngn and I got kinda close in front of Arnie. I wonder if Arnie noticed. The youngn seemed to feel that Arnie was jealous...to the point where they wont be able to be functional at their basketball game tomorrow. lol. I doubt its all that. I dont think Arnie even thinks about me anymore. He probably cant stand me. lol

Anyway - Im feelin my Libra Man. I will be cheering him on silently at the game tomorrow. ;)

Runway

I got signed! I went in for an interview and got a 1 year modeling contract! I have to setup a photo shoot now and Im still tryn to figure out how I want my hair. Im thinking bone straight...18 inches. I am really excited about that!! I am lookin forward to fashion shows, hair shows and any kind of print I can get into. I will keep you posted.

As for men, things are going pretty well. The young one and I are officially talking. We've been out a couple times. He spent the night over here and I made him dinner. We had a good time. I feel myself letting myself go a little bit. Letting him in...a little bit. Ive been watching Making the Band 4 lately...There are 2 characters on there- Qwanell and Dawn. I am so into them as a couple. They arent together or anythng, but I feel them. I feel like I can relate to Dawn so much so that I would not be surprised if I knew her in a past life. I feel connected to her. As for Q-he is ideal. A sweetheart of a guy, cute, tall, gentleman. I like him a lot...and I like him for her. I feel like I am Dawn. Im looking for my Q.

As for the young one, I will continue to chill and get to know him, but I dont think he is the One. Why ? I just dont feel it.

As for Arnie - I saw him the other day-we looked at each other and kept walking. No words exchanged. I feel wrong. Ifeel like I should be speaking. It would be big of me. What is holding me back? The fact that he was the one to cut me off. I feel like I shouldnt bother because it was his choice to let me go. I know Im wrong. I need to speak. God give me the strength to speak. Help me to put all that 'beef' down and be like you. Im not saying have a conversation...at least a simple hello or hey will start things off.

Um, whatelse?? Im starting to stay in shape - I joined a PP team. I went to the field and watched them practice. I got there so late that I didnt want to interrupt and look like an idiot. I have practice again on Sunday-so I'll be there. Im excited about all these new things going on!

Continue to pray for me. Work is still a little rough...but Im making sure I take time for self. Thats important.

Find A Way

This weekend went pretty well. I went on a couple dates with the young one. We went to 5th Friday and Uptown. I felt different afterwards though. I wanted him to come to church with me, but he resisted. I realized then that he cant be the one. Now I wonder what we need each other in this life for. What is my purpose with him? What is his purpose with me? What are we suppose to learn? It left me kind of sad...why? Because I knew he wasnt the one. I cried some.

Arnie's girlfriend has gone off again. I dont know for how long...but I bet that hurts. The closest Ive come to that was Mike. When he went to NY for the summer, it hurt. I bet it hurt Arnie. I hurt for him. I'll give him a mental hug. I know he misses her and she misses him. Man that is going to be soo hard. I wouldnt want to be him right now. More then ever now he will have to stay away from temptation. I didnt see him at service today...maybe sadness has gotten the best of him.

Arnie,
Stay strong. You'll make it through. Reflect on the positive memories. Stay in touch. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder. I hate to ask...but is she your one? I still wonder about Us. Could it have happened? Could you have been my happily ever after? I felt a unique bond with you. It was too easy to talk to you. Like we've been talking...forever...in past lifetimes. I hate the hurt that we caused each other. I hate the rift that is between us right now. Self-inflicted on both sides. Right now would be the worse time to try to regain what we had. I would be hitting you below the belt in a sense. 'Catch him when he's down'. I still have some love for you. I dont want to though - why ? Because I dont think thats going anywhere. Shoot - its not. Look at where we are. Im not over it yet - I cant even watch my new guy play ball cuz you're there. It still hurts. We havent has many shared times...but the couple that we have...were nice. I dedicate Dwele's song to you..."Find a Way". If not here on this earth...We'll find our love in heaven.