Sadness

Why am I always sad? I want to be able to blog about things that make me happy. I dont want to be one of those people who are not happy until they are in a relationship. I wouldnt say thats the case with me cuz Ive been out of one for over 5 years. I talked to a couple of friends about the whole Jerell topic- they say it is definitely too early and that I need to at least give it a week. Lex said at least til Thursday. I understand, but I already feel rejected. I dont think itll happen. I think I didnt look like my pic and therefore I am not his type. I texted him today. I was a simple note: "hey buttmunch! i hope your week is goin well so far..." That was around 630p - no response. Hes been online. Maybe after 9? Deep down, I know I need to give it a week. I guess I'm just preparing myself for heartache early. Thats pathetic!! I hate that I do that!! I think I need to get my braids back - I will feel better once my hair is where it was. I guess what I went through in elementary really has not worn off. I still have issues with hair. Obviously. But I do want someone who will love me/like me either way. If ever I get to talk to Jerell again, I am definitely going to ask what he thought of my appearance....was I just like he thought I would be? I want him to be honest. If he calls, I know he had to think something good otherwise there would be no call.
Its been a while since I been on a date. I dont know how to act. 3 day rule means I should hear from him today or by Thursday. I dont think I'll hear from him at all.
Why can't I just die. Why do I have to go through life again. I hate this. I hate not knowing, I hate rejection, I hate being so damn sinful. Life is hard. Lessons are very hard. I dont want to go through it. I want someone to go through it with me. I keep getting teased!!! God WHY!!?? You send these great men into my life, only to rip them away from me. Arnie - torn from me...now, Jerell, torn from me. Why should I go through life with hope? I am so hope LESS. I hate my life.

Rejected-Jerell

So, he didnt call. I felt like crap - couldnt even sleep. I thought I had this one. The back of my mind is telling me that this is all premature. There is still a chance. Maybe today? He logged on to myspace last nite. If he had time to do that, he definitely had time to throw a text to me. I dont know. I dont know him well enough to know what he is capable of doing. Being a spiritual person, I would have thought that he would at least be honest. If he thought that I was not his type or that we would no longer talk, he should have made it more obvious. He was standoffish during the date. Kept his distance...but I dont see him as an affectionate person when it comes to PDAs. He definitely has the words tho. Let me put myself in his shoes. *thinking*. ..If I was not feeling someone, I would not tell them that their eyes were beautiful...nor would I tell em that they looked sexy....so perhaps, I am premature in my thinkin. Maybe he is interested, but he doesnt know where I stand and he's not tryin to be overbearing. Yea, maybe thats it. I hope so. I'll let you know as soon as I know something. I'll wait through today to see if he talks to me. If not, then on Wednesday, or maybe tonite, I'll send him a text. The last thing I said to him that nite was that Id holla at him - maybe he took that literally. Maybe he's doing that 3 day rule. Wait 3 days after a date to call someone - u dont want to look too desperate. He doesnt see like the type to do that, but who knows. I want to get to know him..I know that much.
You know, he didnt try anything. He didnt try to touch me, kiss me - nothing. Just half a hug. Thats it. Thats good cuz I dont like overbearing guys who only think about sex - he may not be that type....but maybe he is just not interested. I am paranoid about my hair - if he calls, Im going to ask him what he thinks about me growing it back out. Which looks better? Hmm.
Halle is beautiful with long hair and with short hair - so is Jada Pinkett Smith...can I be the same way?? Should it matter? No. I guess, if someone cares about something so materialistic, then I dont need them in my life.
True Story..

Rejection - Jerell

So, Jerell called me beautiful and blutiful. I was sooo exstatic! I thought -FINALLY! I HAVE SOMEONE!! We went out yesterday on our first date to the movies. We saw Tyler Perry's "why did i get married". It was really good. I thought we were both having a good time. He picked the movie, the time and the place - he even paid. We texted back and forth til I got there. I got there late - so he said I was on punishment. lol. Anyway, at the end of the date, he walked me to my car. He said we couldnt keep the date going cuz he had to get up at 6 30am the next morning. I understood. He said he would holla at me later on that nite. I didnt hear from him. Today, Monday, I havent heard from him at all - no text, nothing. I am already thinking that the date really was not all that great. He must not have thought I was attractive enough. He said my eyes were beautiful...and towards the end he said I looked sexy with my stomach out lol. I dont know though. I just thought I would have heard from him. Im giving him tonight to call. If I dont hear anything, then I know it is over. I knew it was too good to be true. He was gorgeous. I wanted to know more. I settled it to myself though- it is his loss, not mine. I am a great person. I am beautiful. He didnt give me enough time to showcase all that I had. I may be overreacting. I need a guys opinion. The only thing I could guess is that I was not pretty enough.
If this is the case, I should have known rejection was close by...doesnt it always happen that way?
I met this guy names Jelan at DOCs last night. He is 24, an omega, currently a student at Morehouse. He was really into me - really... He looks just like Nick Cannon - very attractive, bout my height, slim. I dunno - he's real young. Oh, he is in architecture. I gave him my#.
I met Arnie's girlfriend las nite too - she has really big eyes. He's allright - not pretty, just ok. I guess it was nice of him to introduce me to her, but I didnt really care for that.
Thats pretty much it -
I'll let you know how things with Jerell pan out...

Jerell

Sooo, there is this really Handsome guy named Jerell who is super cute! He is 6ft 3, with a body like 'Praise Him'!! He is spiritual - wohoo! and he has a bachelors degree. He wants to be a pro baller and is working hard at getting there, but for right now, he is working at a sports marketing firm. The problem is that his stay in GA may not be permanent. He is from Philly. I dunno. I'm feeling him, but I don't want to feel him and then he's GONE. Plus, I've already been there and done that with these athletes - is that the path I want to go down again? If that's his dream, I gotta be down for him...but his dream could take him away from me. I guess, we will just see where it goes. hmmm. He has such an infectious smile....

Waiting...

Man, this is harder then I thought. I still have feelings for him. I refuse however, to tarnish or try to come in between what he has with her. I wish him the best, but I still think the best is here with me. I can see a future with us. But, I can see a future with her. I do love him. Not in love - just love. God knows best. He knows what I bring to the table. He knows who is the perfect match for me and my qualities. I know this. As a human, my views are altered by sin and sometimes it is difficult to see the end - or understand the greatness that is to come. I love myself. I feel as though there is so much love in me to give...so much goodness. A man would only be so lucky to be with me. I would be so greatful for him and what he does for me...I can't even explain it. I was so close. I am so close. I have been on a love journey of rejection after rejection...each time, I get closer to him. I thought I was done. Maybe I am. Maybe I just need to wait until he is done. Maybe it really does get better. If it does, I might as well just die and go to heaven because I can't fathom it. God is soo good. I know he will bless me beyond my wildest dreams. I just have to believe, hold faith, and do his will. I will wait...I will be patient...I will stay strong.

Resolution

Well, we talked yesterday and things are back to where they should be. We are on speaking terms. I was able to get everything that needed to be out - out. He seemed to understand me more - respect me more. He learned something. I on the other hand do understand his p.o.v, although I cannot totally agree with it. As far as our friendship is concerned, he said he purposefully backed off because he did not want to hurt me. He said he was afraid. He has hurt someone in the past and he is still dealing with it as of today. The last thing he wants is to put someone in that predicament again. I guess he was afraid of leading me on. He said that when we were together, there was tension. He felt that if we were to try to go back to how things were in the beginning, that we would go down the 'wrong path' again. He said he knew himself and he knows where it would go. He does not want to go there...and subsequently hurt me in the end.
So I guess what I dont understand is how he has a girlfriend, right... but he can't truley be-friend me because something may happen. If that is the case, then should you have a girlfriend right now? Are you being true to yourself and your feelings? I'm not sayin dump her and get with me...what I'm saying is that if you truly are feeling someone - I mean TRULY feeling them - could someone else's friendship really sway you in a different direction? If so, are you being true to yourself?
Men think differently from women. Me - if I am truly feeling someone - there is no one else. No one will sway me. I am thinking soley on that ONE. Everyone else is nothing. Granted, I do believe there will be challenges along the way. I don't know. Perhaps I am thinking too deep. Perhaps, I am trying to create hope. Do I believe his relationship with her will last? To be honest...no. I think there is someone out there who may be a better fit. Maybe...

Wings

Whew! What a day! Someone is really mad at me!! What happened: I was leaving work and was in my car backing out of the parking lot when a co-worker stops me. He walks over to my car and hands me a to-go plate and a bag and asks if Im going home - i said yes. As I take it, I ask 'what is this'. He says, its Ray's. I asked him what I was suppose to do with it. He said, give it to him. At this point, I was upset. Ray is not a friend of mine, therefore I do not do him favors. I told my co-worker it was going to end up on the floor in front of his apt. He laughed it off, but I was serious. As I drove out of the complex, I saw Ray's car...so I put his bag and food on the floor by his car. Now, at the time, I thought he was on his way to his car. I didnt think it would be there longer then 5 minutes. I later realized that he would not get to it until 2 hours later. At that point, I felt bad. I knew he would be upset, but I thought to myself, oh well. Its just wings.

I then get a text from Ray. First of all, his # is NOT in my phone. I had deleted it maybe a month or so ago. So I asked if it as him first. He said 'of course, who else would it be'. I said 'this # is not in my phone, so it could be n e 1'. He said 'wow, u deleted my # from your phone. thats cool. did u really leave my food on the floor by my car'. I said yes. he asked why i would leave his food outside on the floor. I said, i thought u were on your way out. He said that was bullsh and that I was being hateful and that this was a bunch of foolishness and that he doesnt know what going on with me, but that he hopes I figure myself out and that being the type of person he is that he would pray for me and that he forgave me. He said he was not going to stoop to my level.

That pissed me off. I told him that it was a misunderstandin - not me being hateful. He said that was bullsh. That I knew what I was doing. i told him that I deleted his number because he was treating my like straight crap. I said he would have done the same thing if he was kept tryin to be someones friend, only to get the door slammed in your face each time. I deleted the # cuz I was done tryin to force friendship on someone who treated me like 2nd class. He said he didnt understand and that he was caught off guard. He didnt know what I was talking about. I told him he caught me off guard when he implied that I needed Jesus because of some wings. He said it wasnt the food, but the principle behind it. He said I knew what I was doing. I told him that he knows where I live if he wants to get more off his chest. Obviously he is extremely upset. He said 'Im done. Your the one that deleted my number. My food is infested with ants. thanks!'

So whats the deal? I understand that he is upset. He has the right to be. But I think he was brutal. He went spiritual on me to say that i need Jesus??? Wow. That is insulting. How close is he to his Bible, cuz last I saw, he was having sex outside of marriage and missing all kinds of services. When was the last time he looked at the book?? Now only that, but lets talk about the multiple - YES MULTIPLE times he has hurt me: I asked him to go see a movie - he said he was too busy. I asked him when were we going to talk - he said i dunno (never). I asked him to take me to the airport - nope. When my birthday came - did he bother to say happy birthday to me? personally? - no. When his birthday came and I had planned something for him - did he bother to say retrieve it...or even say thanks - no. When I sent him an encourage email that came straight from my heart - did he acknowledge it - no. Did he bother to tell me that he was about to embark on a serious relationship? No - Since I had slept with him less then a month before he made it official...i would have liked to not be a part of the deception and disrespect that he was showing his soon to be girlfriend. Yet and still, I helped him with his resume - stayin 2 hours after work hours to revamp it - did he mention that he got it? NO.
But I am in the wrong ...right? I take friendship seriously. When I first met him, I thought he would have made a great friend - like Sam...and Kareem. Long lasting. But instead, when I ask him why he's been acting funny...he proceeds to tell me 'i told u i just got out of a long relationship'...'i'm not looking for a relationship right now'. I asked this because I noticed we were going from friendly to distant in a matter of days. I didnt ask him because I wanted to be in a relationship with him! Why would you assume that? I dont even know you that well to make that kind of a jump! Not only that, but since he did say that - how are you now in a relationship? I consider that a lie. Less then 3 months from telling me that you were not looking for a relationship - NOW UR IN ONE. Can I trust you? Are you so into yourself that you don't see others? That is what it seems.
Well, I can say I tried. I tried to be a friend. I wasnt looking for a boyfriend in him. I just thought he would make a long lasting friend. I hate the fact that he is so completely unaware of everything around me. He does not care. I did that mean thing, on accident. If he was a friend...it would have never happened that way. I would have taken the food home and got it to him later....cuz thats what friends do. To show you just how much he doesnt care....he didnt care to hear me out. He's done. But he's a little to late for that - cuz I had been done....He's just now feeling the effects...