Sadness

Why am I always sad? I want to be able to blog about things that make me happy. I dont want to be one of those people who are not happy until they are in a relationship. I wouldnt say thats the case with me cuz Ive been out of one for over 5 years. I talked to a couple of friends about the whole Jerell topic- they say it is definitely too early and that I need to at least give it a week. Lex said at least til Thursday. I understand, but I already feel rejected. I dont think itll happen. I think I didnt look like my pic and therefore I am not his type. I texted him today. I was a simple note: "hey buttmunch! i hope your week is goin well so far..." That was around 630p - no response. Hes been online. Maybe after 9? Deep down, I know I need to give it a week. I guess I'm just preparing myself for heartache early. Thats pathetic!! I hate that I do that!! I think I need to get my braids back - I will feel better once my hair is where it was. I guess what I went through in elementary really has not worn off. I still have issues with hair. Obviously. But I do want someone who will love me/like me either way. If ever I get to talk to Jerell again, I am definitely going to ask what he thought of my appearance....was I just like he thought I would be? I want him to be honest. If he calls, I know he had to think something good otherwise there would be no call.
Its been a while since I been on a date. I dont know how to act. 3 day rule means I should hear from him today or by Thursday. I dont think I'll hear from him at all.
Why can't I just die. Why do I have to go through life again. I hate this. I hate not knowing, I hate rejection, I hate being so damn sinful. Life is hard. Lessons are very hard. I dont want to go through it. I want someone to go through it with me. I keep getting teased!!! God WHY!!?? You send these great men into my life, only to rip them away from me. Arnie - torn from me...now, Jerell, torn from me. Why should I go through life with hope? I am so hope LESS. I hate my life.