Why am I here?

I'm sad today. It has some to do with this guy I like/liked, and some to do with just my situation. This guy - we will call him Arnie - I was really feeling and still am. I am in the process of getting him off my mind and it is difficult. He's making it easier though, so I really should be greatful. I started catching feelings for him over the summer, but I know how I am when it comes to relationships. If I want it to really last, he has got to be a friend first. So . . .that's what I wanted from him. I wanted us to grow as friends so that in the long run - well, who knows. Well, things were going well. He was coming by and visiting me and we were talking on the daily. Then all of a sudden, it stopped. When I tried to invite him out, he declined with a poor excuse. When I tried to talk to him - it was always short. I finally found out why - the girl he thought he was through with came back into his life. I was sad, but I felt like our friendship could continue. Fast forwarding to today, it has been 4 months, and he has not changed. When I approached him about the fact that we dont talk like we use to - again, he is evasive. Yet, he thinks he should be treated like a friend. He's not my friend. I feel like the last few months he has really given me plenty of reasons to leave him alone. Its hard because I see the potential in him. I see a potential with us. I need to let it go. I know.
As for life, I have no kids, no boyfriend - my family is in another state - and I feel alone. I feel like I'm getting older each year with no prospects of having a family of my own. It makes me wonder why I'm here on this earth. I feel like my life has flat lined. Why am I living. If this is life, then I dont want to be here. I'd rather die. As a result, Im not afraid of death. I am welcoming it. In fact, I pray for it. I do the same thing day in and day out. I have no male counterpart that is there for me - can love me, do for me, there for me. Without love, what is there? What am I suppose to do in the meantime? What am I doing wrong? When is it going to be my turn???
Sigh. I hope things get better. I really do. Tomorrow I hope to get some inspiration from church. Perhaps I need to engage more in their activities. Maybe thats where my 'love' home should be.
Until next time . . .